Let's face it, we can have countless meetings about whether or not there should be an ice rink built in Veteran's Plaza, but in the end The Man can decide it's going to happen and there's not a damn thing you turf lovers can do about it. Your green shirts will be soaked in bitter tears as you see your precious carpet unceremoniously pulled out from under you.
It's time to adopt a new strategy: make an ice rink completely unfeasible by rapidly accelerating global warming. You need to open up a hole in the ozone layer directly over Silver Spring ASAP. Not only can you scuttle the whole ice rink plan, you will be able to enjoy the turf all year long, with the possible exception of those 120+ degree days.
Here's how to go about it:
- Set your thermostats as high as they will go and open all the windows of your house.
- Park your car in one of the downtown Silver Spring garages and let it idle all day, every day.
- If you've got trees on your property, immediately chop them down. Burn them, too - I figure that can't hurt.
- Flood your lawns - the methane released will help the process along nicely.
- Find any old aerosol cans lying around your house and spray their contents toward the sky.
Hurry, there's not much time!